Reflections on the past 7 years...

I still remember the day when I walked into the YWAM campus for DTS clueless about what I would end up doing and some regrets still lingering in the corners of my mind. All I knew sure inside of me was Jesus deserved every area of my life and I was passionate to do anything for Him. 7 years have passed by serving God and His people. And over the years I have come to realize that God is primarily interested in my “being” (in Him). My “doing” (for Him) is just the fruit of my “being” (in Him). And in the process of being discipled, I am constantly been challenged to grow up to be “a man of integrity” – bearing the image of God and reflecting the same. Am I perfect? Absolutely not! But one thing I know is that God is definitely at work in my life and this I can be sure of till I die. I have seen tangible and intangible evidences of the same and some of which I wish to share here and in my upcoming blog entries but with no desire to satisfy the “success-measuring” appetite of people out there.

When I stepped out in faith into what I believed God was calling me to, many people asked me whether I was making a sound decision. A few even thought I was nuts giving up on career. Some even went to the extreme of creating alternate plans of how God’s calling in my life could be accomplished without giving up on the dreams of the “good life”. After a series of training when I chose to stay with YWAM as a staff, the question was “Why YWAM?”. In addition to this, my radical lifestyle in an attempt to be relevant to the crowd I was witnessing attracted a lot of critics questioning my faith, doctrines and so on. When I would barely struggle to silence them, then would the next storm of questions arise related to my salary and positions held. The holier ones would ask me the count of souls I’ve won for Jesus. Sadly I never kept a count and surprisingly I am not paid or ever got promoted. Most of these people were not strangers to me. Some of them were my family and friends who loved me and had the best intention for me. I don’t despise them. But the only difference was that I had a slightly better understanding of what God had called me to.

So what does God exactly do with a guy who has a proud mind, an inflated ego hiding his insecurities and a colonialist dream to win the world for Jesus? He breaks and shapes him and continues to do so till he becomes all that He wants him to be. And that is exactly my story to tell. So when I tell my story I don’t have blazing figures of crowd witnessed to or lucrative titles I’ve held. My story is a journey of brokenness. I’ve worked with people that have built me and with those that have drained every ounce of me. I’ve lived with people who get under your skin and with those whose very presence around you gives life to the sinews of your being. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my friendships from different cultures and sobbed like a baby when dear ones distanced. I’ve voiced out for what I saw as injustice and unrighteousness, yet was also humbled in the process to get rid of the mess in my life and learn to patiently love others as Jesus loves me. I’ve not always succeeded in this attempt but desire to live out in peace and reconciliation. And I am still learning and growing in the process.

There were times when I felt like I was truly living out God’s calling over my life to the fullest, and times when I felt like I lacked direction. There were seasons where I felt I was truly an asset to the body I worked with, followed by seasons where I felt being wasted, used and alone. There were days when I would always dream of all the things I could accomplish, accompanied by nights when the magnitude of the same would overwhelm me and make me look like a failure. I’ve seen God’s goodness in crazy ways and also questioned His goodness when I don’t see it happen my way. I’ve sometimes secretly envied the “good life”, yet by His grace been surprised when He defines and demonstrates it.

Sometimes like the psalmist who scribed Psalm 73, I felt this task to understand my life and everything I’ve seen and experienced was too wearisome, until I was welcomed into the presence of the Most High. It is here I saw that I am held by Him and constantly led by His counsel. He is my strength and portion when my heart and flesh fails. And it is these humbling encounters with God that makes me truly desire to be near God and to taste His goodness alone. And I am forever thankful to God for all these years and the many more to come.

At this moment I would also like to thank my family (near and extended), friends, mentors and strangers who’ve stood with me all these years praying, encouraging and even financially extending your blessing in this journey of mine to what God is calling me to be and do. All I can assure is that God would continue to bless you to be a blessing. Currently I am involved with the training and administrative work at YWAM Lonavala. I do sometimes travel and teach at YWAM bases and churches. My fun time activities include reading and thinking and then somehow translating those on paper (prose and poetry). I do not stand at this juncture having accomplished great feats, but as a dreamer having great expectations from God and a humble prayer to stay faithful to the One who called me to desire for God and His Kingdome alone. AMEN!